There's Peace In The Waiting

I have had a bumpy past few days.  I won't go into detail, but we've had a situation come up in our life that has required me to trust God and wait.  I'm horrible at waiting.  I don't like backed up traffic.  I always find the shortest line at Wal-Mart.  (Impossible, I know. Yet I still try.) I have been working on growing in my trust in the Lord and in His plan, but this week has definitely thrown a wrench into things.
Throughout this time, I keep hearing a still, small voice say, "There's peace in the waiting.  Trust."  And what do I shout back?...  "Why?!  Why do I have to wait?!  How can I be expected to trust when I don't know if my trust will be rewarded with good news?"  I have had to wait before, but never like this.  Never for an answer that means so much to me.  Today I expected an answer.  And again, I got a, "Wait."  I honestly don't know how much more waiting I can do.  My mind is exhausted and I have run out of room for worries.  And yet here I sit, in my quiet dining room, worrying and waiting.
I have used the last few days to find any opportunity to pray that I can.  I pray as I nurse my son.  I pray as I get ready in the morning.  I pray as I lay in bed worrying, because surely praying is more productive than worrying, even at 2:00am.
I have been craving one of my favorite childhood snacks, Chex Muddy Buddies, for a few days now.  Today I finally had a few spare minutes and mixed them up.  As my kids sat in the living room content, I measured ingredients into a bowl and prayed to myself.  I mixed messy peanut butter and chocolate into cereal with my hands as tears started to fall down my face.  And then I stopped.  A small sound was creeping into my mind.  What was it?  I needed to focus for a minute to figure out what it was through my worrying.  I closed my eyes and begged for the sound to fill my mind until I realized what it was.  A song.  An older favorite of mine.  I hadn't heard it in a few years, yet it was right there and I could recite every single word.  "As I wait, You make me strong.  As I long, draw me to Your arms.  As I stand, and I sing Your praise, You come, You come and You fill this place!"  I hate waiting, but I love that song, and I love what it has given to me today.
As anyone does in a waiting situation, I am waiting for the good news.  For the, "Nevermind, it's all good!"  But in this time of waiting, God is making me strong.  I'm learning to trust more and to love better.  Perhaps I need to learn that before I hear the news.  Maybe God is building me to be prepared for something that is to come, whether in this situation or the next one that comes my way.  The whole reason that I started this blog was to help me realize that I was learning something new every day.  And today I learned an important one.  Everyone always says, "God only gives you what you can handle," and with the lack of trust I have, I can't properly handle much.  I've always strived to become more trusting of God, and yet I feel like I'm spinning in a revolving door without stepping out, finding no resolution.
Just today, the trust I have in God has grown tremendously. And my belief in that still, small voice that I keep hearing that says, "There's peace in the waiting," has grown as well.  Because as I go over the different outcomes that I may be presented with in the next few days, I've felt so much peace.  I can think about our situation without crying every time, and I don't spend my waking moments worrying. I feel at peace.  I feel like I'm learning to trust.  And perhaps the situation has been stretched over time in order for me to learn a lesson that is very important.  That God knows what He's doing even if I don't.  And that I need to trust in that plan and know He will do the work He feels is needed in my life. 
But I still hope my phone rings tomorrow with news! :)

Children See. Children Do.

My son has become quite the parrot.  Whatever we say, he repeats.  I am thankful the neither my husband or I speak with harmful language (aside from the occassional "crap," but that is being phased out of our vocabulary as well.)  He will repeat letters, colors, numbers, and song lyrics when we prompt him.  But I noticed the other day that he repeats things that we don't prompt him to as well.  One of my common phrases is, "Oh, child!" when he does something silly.  I did something funny the other day and he looked at me with his ornery grin and yelled, "Oh, tiled!" with his little voice.  Wow.  He truly hears everything that we say and emulates our actions.  You can see it in the way children talk on play phones.  In the way they learn to smile at just a few months of age.  In the way they interact with others.
We are given the responsibility of raising our children to be adults.  What type of adult they become is dependent mostly on us and our parenting techniques.  Yes, every child has their own natural disposition and tendencies toward certain attitudes.  But for the most part, they become little carbon copies of us.  That's why I believe alcoholism and habits like smoking and nail-biting pass along through generations.  Monkey see. Monkey do.  Or, as I stated earlier, children see.  Children do.  We can blame television, music, and other influences all that we would like.  But we as parents are the ones that allow them to be exposed to the television, music, and instances that they are, for the most part.
So, you want to raise children that honor God and follow Him with all their being?  Do it yourself!  Strive to be in the Word and set aside a daily quiet time with Him.  Want your children to respect their future spouse and keep them as an importance in their life?  Show them how much you care for your spouse!  Want them to be great parents?  Be one yourself! This video is a powerful showing of how children watch and learn from their parents.  (Please be aware: This may be sensitive to some viewers, and I do not believe it is suitable for children to watch.  It is, however, a very powerful video of how children notice all that we do.)
We need to start taking our roles as parents seriously.  There are so many people that want children and are unable to conceive, yet some people have children and ignore the responsibility to raise them, and some even devalue the lives of those that should be so important to them.  Be an example to your children, as well as other parents, and value and adore your little ones.  Teach them.  Love them.  And watch them grow!

People Love To Hate

As I scrolled through Facebook this morning, I was amazed at some things I saw.  I follow a few different news organizations and (as bad as it probably sounds) I get caught up on most news articles via my Facebook timeline.  When you can have all of your favorite sources in one place updating often, why not just follow them and read things all in one click?  Anywho, I clicked on a few different articles to read, some actual news, some updates on my favorite television shows.  And I made the dreaded mistake of clicking on the comments for one.  Some of the things I read were so appalling that I decided to see if the pattern was consistent on other articles as well.  And sadly, it was.
It didn't matter what the article was about.  The general theme of the comments was as follows: a few "great article" comments, the first comment saying they didn't agree with the article, a comment bashing the author of the article, multiple comments arguing with first negative comment writer, a couple random nice comments, and then more bashing.  Some of the comments even escalated to cursing and text "yelling," i.e. all capital letters.  One of the most heated arguments?  Over a picture posted on the television show Grey's Anatomy's Facebook page because one random person said it was a spoiler to her, as she was multiple seasons behind.  Then ensued multiple comments telling her to stop complaining (in not so nice words) when it was her own fault she was behind, and the original commentor followed by cursing at everyone for making her feel bad for feeling behind.
When did we decide it was necessary to get into heated arguments with strangers on a social media site? (which was originally designed to connect college students, by the way.)  I am amazed by the gumption some people have.  I honestly felt embarrassed for us as humans as I read through the comments.  We have been given this wonderful freedom, especially as citizens of the United States, to speak freely and express our opinions.  Yet, to most people it seems, that also allows us the right to hate others for speaking their opinion. 
It is even sadder to me when I see fellow Christians participating in this hate speech to others.  John 13:34,35 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you at my disciples, if you have love for one another."  We ignore this verse too often.  I am by no means saying that I am perfect at loving those around me.  Sometimes it's really hard!  But there is no excuse for instigating hate behavior just because we have differing opinions.  You may not agree on what someone else thinks, but you are not being a true example of a Christian to someone if you are constantly "bashing" others.  If we are to share the gospel with others, then we need to do it not only by speaking Jesus' name, but by having his attitude in all circumstances.  Jesus loved sinners.  He appealed to them by being kind when others were not, and through that kindness, he was able to share the Good News of his Father. 
Matthew 22:37-39 also says, "Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"  We strive to love God with every breath, yet don't even speak a kind word to our neighbor when we cross paths.  We are to model our lives after Christ's, but in order to be Christlike, we must be willing to be kind to our neighbors.  I mean, is it really going to hurt if we actually say something nice to someone when our first reaction is to be mean?  This world could use a little bit of Christlike compassion, and more than a few kind words.  Speak a few today.

I Am Not Super Mom

I have a habit of trying to do everything and refusing to not have everything done perfectly.  It's a pretty awful habit, actually.  Sure, if you ask me to do something, you pretty much know I will do it to the best of my abilities.  But I am also great at disappointing myself when I don't do things just right.
Today I am realizing that I spend a lot of time trying to be "Super Mom."  I try to keep my house perfectly clean.  I try to clip every coupon and save every bit of money I can.  I try to take a picture of my kids every day because they change so quickly. I want to cook healthy, homemade meals whenever possible.  And when I don't succeed at every one of those things, the rest of my day just goes downhill. 
Having two children has been an adjustment for me, but it really hasn't been that hard. I've had to find new ways to do some things, but for the most part, life hasn't gotten a lot more hectic (aside from having two kids needing me at one time, but that's to be expected.)  I use to enjoy trips to the grocery store with Cameron.  We would slowly stroll down the aisles, I would get everything on my list in perfect order and no additional items.  And we would peacefully leave the store to go home and unload immediately.  Then he turned two, and I had another baby.  My grocery trips now end up being chaotic, with at least one kid crying at some point in the store, Ben needing to be nursed (because heaven forbid he take a bottle for me once a week,) half of my list being tossed in the trash, extra things in my cart that I grab to compensate for not getting the needed items, forgetting to use my coupons, and keeping groceries in the car for twenty minutes so that I can feed Ben before he screams too much once we get home.  I now despise grocery shopping.  How can two tiny things make something I used to love turn into something I now dread?!
As I was sitting quietly in the car after loading the groceries into it from the cart and the kids were content for a couple minutes, I realized that the problem is not that my family was growing.  My problem is that my expectations are staying the same.  I expect everything to be perfect.  I expect it to all be easy.  I expect to make it through a shopping trip with no meltdowns.  Just having a two year old negates every one of my expectations, and then I added a baby to the mix. Why do I always think it all has to be perfect?  Why can't I accept that sometimes I won't get everything done, and that a lot of times it won't all be done just so?
Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."  It doesn't say, "You must complete all grocery shopping with no tears, saving 50% of your total, and quickly return home by naptime."  It also doesn't say, "You must be perfect at everything."  We are to strive to be our best for God, but the only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus Christ.  Now, that doesn't mean that we can purposely not try our best.  But it does mean that when we fail, we are not done for.  God knows we will fail.  That's why he graciously sent his son to die in our place and to take the punishment of our sin and inadequacies.  God created a rest for us because he knew our earthly bodies and minds could not withstand the pressure to be perfect.  "And he said to them, 'The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath'" (Mark 2:27.)
I am thankful that we have a God who understands that we cannot be perfect, especially by our own outrageous standards. From now on, I will remember that it is just fine to be "Mom," because "Super Mom" doesn't exist.

Mommies Are In High Demand

This past week was Thanksgiving.  It was great to get to spend time with my family (both immediate and extended) for a few days and not worry about my husband having to leave home for work.  And despite the "vacation," I did have enough going on to have a post for today.  (Yay!)  This isn't something I've recently learned in my life, but it is something that I feel compelled to write on.
Mommies have a hard job.  We nurture, feed, clothe, and support our children.  We stress, worry, and console them.  The emotional end of the "job" in itself is exhausting.  Not only are you supporting someone who cannot physically or mentally support themselves, but you are in demand 24/7.  (Note: This is not a working-vs-SAHM post.  Whether you are home all day or have a 10 hour a day job, you are always a mother and you are always in demand and supporting your children in every moment. I am also in no way implying that Daddies don't also work hard and offer support to their children and wives.  But I'm a mommy, so that's the end of the spectrum that I can write about.  My husband is wonderful, and this blogpost should in no way be seen as a feminist piece.)
I was originally really looking forward to  our few days away from home this past week.  Being around family is great and I so enjoy catching up with everyone, but it's also nice because the kiddos  have others to occupy them aside from just Mommy all day long.  I thought this would be a great time to catch up on the rest that I've missed out on because I or someone else in our home has been sick consistently for the last month and it has been draining.  I took advantage of any naptimes I could, I let the kids be held by anyone that wanted to hold them, and my oldest went on walks and watched movies with my parents. But despite the occassional twenty minute power naps, I still came home completely exhausted.
We came home yesterday evening and I was looking forward to a great nights' sleep in my own comfortable bed and figured I would wake up refreshed this morning.  Well, I am probably about as far from feeling refreshed as possible. I wanted to get a few things done around the house in preparation for a new week, so I stayed up way later than I should have.  My husband has the awful cold that I had the last three weeks, and is now coughing all night long, which makes me, (a very, very light sleeper,) stay up most of the night, my youngest is still too young to sleep through the night without nursing, and our children now like to wake up between 5:30/6am every day.  I know that today I will exist mainly because of the Gloria Jean's Mudslide K-cups I bought on sale Black Friday. (And no, I can't blame some of my exhaustion on crazy Black Friday shopping.  I go every year... But not until about 10am on Friday, and never on Thanksgiving Day.)
As I'm sitting here sipping my second cup of hot coffee and wallowing in my own tired complaints, I am reminded of something I read about a year ago.  I did a morning quiet time for a while based on the book, "Real Moms... Real Jesus." by Jill Savage.  It was probably one of the most eye-opening and heart-changing devotions I have ever done, and i highly recommend it.  One of the weeks was entitled, "Can I please go to the bathroom alone?"  Oh my, how I identify with this!  There is always either a little hand or a Matchbox car peaking under the bathroom door when I go.  I am lucky if I get to take one of my every-other-day showers alone in the evenings because my oldest has become obsessed with taking showers also, but is not near old enough to take them alone yet.
Matthew 4:25 says that, "large crowds followed (Jesus) wherever he went."  I bet he had his share of bathroom interruptions.  He was in high-demand, just like mommies are.  He understands!  Everyone flocked to him wherever he went, and there was no break for him from being the Son of God.  Why couldn't people just cut Jesus a break and let him take a nice nap or read a whole book in one sitting?  Because they adored him.  They admired him.  They loved him!  I think the same is true about mothers.  We support, feed, clothe, and play with our children.  We offer them our attention.  And they depend on us for so much to the point that they could not survive without us.  We are adored!  We are admired!  We are loved!  Of course we are in high demand!
One other side of this that I realized as I sat quietly this morning is that while we are in high demand on the mother side we are also God's children.  He keeps us fed, clothed, supported, and alive.  How am I not spending more time admiring, adoring, and loving him?  Where did my child's heart disappear to?  I pray that as I learn to grow as a mother, I also grow as a child.  As God's child.  Always remembering that my strength to support my children comes not from my K-cups, but from God himself.  Which means a quality quiet time with God needs to be higher on my priority list than it is right now.  Jill Savage says in her book, "When Jesus sent the crowds away so that he could spend time with the Father, it was an act of love for the Father and for himself.  He also loved the people, but he knew He couldn't give to them out of his emptiness.  He needed to spend time with the Father to be able to minister with a full spiritual and emotional tank."  We as mothers can not continue to bear everything and support everyone without first filling ourselves with His word and strength.
So when you have one of those days where you are exhausted and have so much to do so there's no way you can fit in a quiet time, that's when you need it the most. It may be hard to set aside the time, but it is necessary.  Love the Father like you never have before so that you can love your children like they have never known.

I Made Cheesecake!

So, this isn't some crazy important lesson I've learned, or some mind-blowing event that took place in my life.  But this week, I made a homemade cheesecake for the first time ever.  And it was amazing!
I absolutely love anything that has to do with cooking and baking.  In fact, I volunteer to spend most of my afternoon in the kitchen cooking so that my mom didn't have to because I just wanted to spend my time in one of my most favorite rooms in the house.  Now that I'm a momma of two, I don't get to spend near us much time cooking and baking as I would like to.  But I started my first Thanksgiving food project a couple of days ago. 
I go crazy over Olive Garden's Pumpkin Cheesecake.  The awful thing is that they only serve it around fall every year, so I have to get my fill of it when it's actually available.  I decided I wanted it with Thanksgiving dinner this year, so I set off on an internet search for the closest recipe possible.  After finding what looked like the best candidate (http://www.food.com/recipe/olive-garden-pumpkin-cheesecake-458678) I started gathering my supplies, and the confidence in the kitchen to make one of the more difficult recipes I've done.  Cheesecakes have always intimidated me.  I've heard horror stories of cracked cheesecakes, ones that fall apart before you cut them, and cutting into seemingly-baked cheesecakes only to have raw goo pour out from the middle.  So needless to say, I researched every single thing possible to make sure that those stories didn't happen to me!
I probably spent a ridiculous amount of time making sure that I had every detail perfect.  I followed the recipe to a "t," reading and rereading it the couple days prior to baking.  I searched for cheesecake baking tips and followed every one that seemed to be smart.  I freaked out every step of the way.  And I constantly wished that it wasn't against food etiquette to cut a slice of my cheesecake before Thanksgiving!
After all of that work, and a huge mess in my kitchen, I had a baked a cheesecake with no cracks, no jelly-like center, and no crumbling crust.  And then I had to wait two days to cut into it!  As I sliced the first piece tonight, I was seriously sweating.  Then I spread my homemade whipped cream onto it (UH-MAZ-ING!,) garnished with gingersnaps and caramel sauce, and gave out the plates.  And listened to the quiet of my family eating and the "mmmmmmmmmm" sound that soon followed.
I had done it!  I conquered a (ridiculous) fear of mine and successfully baked my first free-standing flavored cheesecake.  And it is probably one of the best things I have ever made.
Next challenge: Gingerbread Cheesecake at for Christmas dinner with the in-laws.  I'm ready to take it on now!

My Family Is Too Important.

Yep. I did it again.  I haven't written in...  Well...  The time doesn't need to be mentioned.  But you will understand why when you read this post.  And you will also learn that my "every day" goal is being knocked down to "twice a week."
I have a problem.  I get busy too easily.  I always find something to occupy my time and I have a horrible habit of always saying, "Yes!"  That may not seem like that bad of a habit, until you factor in that I have a husband, two children, and myself to take care of, on top of all of the other responsibilities that I take on.  I recently had a bit of a wake up call about my busy-ness.
My children are growing up so quickly, and most of my time is spent cleaning, organizing, emailing, typing, or reading, and taking care of the things I have committed to doing for others.  I love my friends.  I love my (extended) family.  I love my church family.  But my immediate family is what is most important in my life, aside from God.  And I am watching them pass by me and spending minimal amounts of time pouring into them.  It seems like there is always an event to attend, an errand to run, a schedule to make, or a book I have to read (whether for pleasure, or because I'm asked to.)  And as I take care of those responsibilities, I get irritated when my children, or time itself, don't cooperate and allow me to finish the tasks I need to.  But while I wrote out my to-do list the other day and flipped the page because I ran out of room, I realized that no where on that list is, "Build towers with Cameron," or "Baby Talk with Bennett," or "Cuddle with Hubby."  And "Put Your Feet Up and Relax," was definitely not on the list.  Instead, I needed to clean, organize, bake a cake, make a gift, read a chapter of a book, write a blog post, etc....  I try to make my to-do lists in order of priority.  Devotional time is always at the top, but it somehow gets pushed down further every day.  So, not only am I straying from spending time with my family, but from spending time with my Heavenly Father as well.
So I have resolved to change that.  Before I bother to even start the dishes, I will play cars or build towers with Cameron.  I will cuddle and chat with Ben.  When my husband gets home and the kids are asleep, I will cuddle with him instead of read or play a game on my phone or bake something.  This seems like a great change, right?  Of course it does!...  Until I realize that by re-prioritizing my days, I will need to say "no."  It is such a hard word for me to say.  I have always striven to be liked by everyone I know.  I want to please them and show them that I am committed to our relationship.  But being committed doesn't mean that I always have to do everything I am asked to do.  I can't always bake the cake they need.  I can't always read some of that book they "assigned" to me.  I can't always attend that meeting.  And that will just have to be okay.
The holidays are approaching, and so is one of the times I dread.  I have always loved Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I used to love traveling.  Then I had children.  Such little humans require so many things when you go on trips, and sleeping in places besides home doesn't happen easily for them or me.  I end up coming home from holiday "vacation" exhausted and stressed with a ton of laundry (and gifts, at Christmas time) to sort.  We are entering the time when everyone wants us to be somewhere.  I feel like it is completely impossible to make everyone happy unless you travel to visit everyone you know for every single holiday.  That's a lot of every-s.  And honestly, I don't like it.  I shouldn't be spending my favorite time of year stressing about who I'm upsetting by staying in one place for too long.  I shouldn't be worried that someone will look down on me for staying home with my sweet little family for Christmas day instead of traveling in the car.  But I still do.  I worry and wish I could have planned differently and I stress until I can't sleep. If I had my way, we would stay in the comfort of our home and people would come see us instead of us lugging everything out of our home and inevitably bringing back twice as much, because there are always leftovers, new clothes, or new toys that someone wants to send with us.  It doesn't matter if we are visiting family or friends, the stress is still the same.  A vacation to me is just a trip away from our comfortable home, and I'm still Mom and still in-demand 24/7.  I'm fine being Mom all the time.  I love it.  But when you add additional stressors, it gets HARD! (Side note: I love all of our extended family, and I enjoy spending time with them and doing fun things together.  I'm assuming that is a known when I type this. It's the traveling part of vacations that I don't enjoy.)
I want to see all of our family for the holidays.  I want to be okay with traveling constantly.  I want to be fine with us taking our time off work to be away from home.  (I think people forget about that last part.)  But I can't.  It's something I have struggled with for over two years now and I probably always will.  I don't think families should feel like visits always have to be alternated, or equal amounts of time, yet I place that burden on myself and try to make everything fair.  No one even has to mention fairness or holiday visits for me to start worrying.  I do it to myself.
This year, I want to try my best to enjoy my holiday season with my family of four.  We may not be in our home, but we will be all together.  I will love the time we spend with our extended family, but at the end of the day, the time I spent with my husband and little boys is what matters most to me.  And I will start saving money like crazy so that we can one day have our own home and people can come visit us for a holiday and maybe I won't stress as much.  But I still probably will.
Because my family is TOO important.  They are TOO important for me to need to have all the laundry and dishes cleaned.  They are TOO important for me to have to make that schedule and read that book when I haven't spoken kind words to them yet today.  They are TOO important for me to worry about writing a blog post more than twice a week.  And they are TOO important for me to worry about pleasing everyone that I know.  I care about making God and the three guys that live under my roof happy.  And that's just going to have to be okay from now on.